


Symmetrical

by SisterDuffin



Category: Casualty (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 15:16:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 11,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19428622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SisterDuffin/pseuds/SisterDuffin
Summary: (AU, written before Alicia's rape storyline commenced) On the surface, Alicia and Duffy have nothing in common but when you scratch away at the surface, you’ll discover that they’re actually, very similar. Both women hold a secret, a secret that they won’t share with the world but may just share with each other. [Contains scenes of sexual assault and rape, please be mindful when reading and stay safe! Probably not suitable for anyone under the age of 14yrs old] **DISCONTINUED**





	1. Chapter 1

She’s been curled up in the same spot on the sofa in the staff room for the past two hours. Her knees tucked under her chin, her hands tightly grasping the red mug in her hands. She doesn’t even know why she came to work. She wasn’t working. She wasn’t working for the next two days. There was just something oddly comforting about the Emergency Department when she was in distress. After all, she couldn’t go home. Home was where it happened.

Duffy’s working a night shift. She doesn’t mind doing the occasional nights, least she gets a bit of a peace from listening to Charlie snoring (although truth be told, she does miss him greatly in the morning!) She walks into the staff room and is surprised to find Alicia there, the young woman wasn’t due at work. She glanced at the clock, just gone four am and she’s got another three hours before home. Duffy switches on the kettle.

“Alicia?”

She calls trying to gain the young woman’s attention. There’s no response. As Duffy steps towards her to break her from her trance, she’s all too aware of the glazed, distant look in Alicia’s eyes. She sits down on the sofa beside Alicia and for a minute or so, doesn’t do anything. Then she gently places a hand on Alicia’s arm. Alicia jumps out of her skin, throws the mug in shock and stares at Duffy, her breathing somewhat erratic and heavy. Duffy frowns, the reaction slightly over the top and she apologises;

“Sorry. Are you okay?”

Alicia nods, moves her gaze away from Duffy and stands up placing some distance between the two of them. She crouches down to retrieve the broken pieces of mug and answers; “you just startled me, that’s all.”

Duffy watches her, her head tilted, trying to gage what was wrong. Instead she stands up and asks; “Tea or coffee?”

“Coffee please.” 

Duffy makes two cups of coffee and carried both mugs over to Alicia. She places them on the table and gestures towards the sofa again, “may I?”

“Sure.”

Alicia picks up the mug and repositioned herself on the sofa, her knees under her chin again. She feels sick. Her mind can’t stop replaying what happened. She’s been in the shower for hours, scrubbing her skin raw. The red blotches on her skin haven’t gone unnoticed by Duffy. She just isn’t sure how to broach the situation. Especially it’s what she thinks it is.

“You’re not okay are you?”

It doesn’t take a genius to work out. Duffy’s great at reading between the lines, it’s what makes her a very good nurse. Alicia sighs. If she says anything it means acknowledging. It means saying it out loud and she doesn’t want too. Not yet. Not ever. It wasn’t rape. She never said no. She never said yes either but she never said no so it wasn’t rape, right?

“What’s happened?”

Alicia shakes her head, “nothing, nothing’s happened.”

Duffy sighs. Pretending nothing happened was the minds greatest protector but it didn’t help, not really. Just stopped you from being able to heal and move on eventually. There’s a comfortable silence between the two of them before Duffy decides to come out with it. After all, if she doesn’t, she’ll only spend the remainder of the shift worrying. (Not that she won’t stop worrying)

“Has something happened to you?”

Alicia closes her eyes tightly. The nausea in her throat. She thinks she’s going to throw up and darts from the sofa, leaving the mug on the table. Duffy closes her own eyes momentarily before following her to the bathroom. As she steps into the ladies toilet, she can hear Alicia throwing up in the nearest toilet. She knocks on the toilet door and Alicia leans back against the wall, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“I’m okay.” She whispers. As okay when she can be when she doesn’t think her life will ever be the same again. Duffy sighs. It’s clear from her behaviour that she’s far from fine. There’s a pause. Not as comfortable as one would expect a silence to be but not uncomfortable enough to unsettle them both. Alicia just wants all this to go away. To go back six hours. To go back to when she was her. Alicia. Alicia the doctor, the one in control. Not the person she is now. A victim. She doesn’t want to be a victim. She retches violently and Duffy closes her eyes wishing there was something she could do to help.

After what feels like an eternity, Alicia flushes the chain and exits the cubicle, walking to the sinks, all too aware of Duffy watching her closely, ready to bombard her with questions again. She doesn’t want to talk. She’s tired, just wants to sleep but every time she closes her eyes, she feels his lips on her skin. She closes her eyes tightly, praying she doesn’t start to cry. She reopens her eyes to stare at the hot tap, turning it on and scrubbing her hands. What does she have to do to stop feeling him?

Duffy watches Alicia for a couple of seconds, watches how she repeatedly washes her hands. Gently she steps towards the sinks.

“Alicia, what’s happened?” She tries the question again, tries to get her to open up and talk and it doesn’t work. Alicia loses her temper big style and shoves Duffy into the wall.

“Nothing! Nothing happened now piss off and leave me alone!!”

Duffy closes her eyes as her back collided with the wall (that’ll be one hell of a bruise to try and explain!) She is even more certain that something has happened because the outburst was so unlike Alicia.

“Alicia, talk to me?”

Why doesn’t she just get the hint she doesn’t want to talk? Alicia slowly turns around, her gaze meeting with Duffy’s. The tears filling in her eyes, ready to fall. Alicia shakes her head, “I…. I can’t.”

Duffy nods slowly and steps towards her. Reassuring her that she can do this. She can talk. She can say out loud what happened. Alicia can’t hold it in any longer. The tiredness, the hurt, the anger. She bursts into floods of tears. Duffy pulls the younger woman into a hug before Alicia falls to the floor, taking Duffy down with her. She doesn’t say anything and Duffy doesn’t prompt her too. Alicia’s sobbing into her side as she holds her tightly, trying to gently sooth the younger woman.

“I’m sorry, it’s just been a long day.” She smiles sadly. Ten minutes later, they leave the toilets like nothing has happened. Alicia’s still adamant that nothing happened but she does apologise for losing her temper and pushing Duffy into the wall. Although Duffy accepts the apology, she knows there’s something Alicia’s holding back from her. She knows something happened.


	2. Chapter 2

Duffy’s been quiet since she stepped into the house from work earlier that morning. She’s sat at the kitchen table, hands cupped around a mug, thinking. Since she found Alicia in that state, she’s been overthinking, her mind running wild with all sorts of possibilities that could’ve happened. She draws the conclusion at one particular.

Being startled, the throwing up, the bruises on her wrist, the blotches of redness on her skin. Duffy closes her eyes as she’s taken back to her own trauma all those years before. Well over thirty years ago and yet she could still remember it as clear as yesterday. How rough he’d been, how he’d bruised her, torn her. How as soon as she’d been able too, she sat in the bath (although it stung like hell) and scrubbed her skin until she was positive all traces of him had gone.

She swallows the nausea and reopens her eyes, only to catch Charlie’s eye. He’s been stood at the doorway of the kitchen the last five minutes watching her. He knows there’s something wrong. He can read her like a book (even when she protests she’s fine!)

“Are you okay?” 

“Uh huh,” she nods and sips her tea, pulling a face when she realises the liquid has gone cold. She wonders how long she’s been sat there thinking. Charlie sighs, steps towards her and rests his hands on her shoulders.

“Are you sure?”

She doesn’t answer for a while. What if she was just assuming the worst? What if it wasn’t what she was thinking? She exhales.

“I… I think something’s happened to Alicia.” She admits as Charlie frowns and sits down beside her.

“What do you mean?”

She explains the current situation. How she found Alicia in the staff room at four am. How startled she’d been when she touched her. The bruises on the inside of the wrists, the blotches of redness on her skin. Then the throwing up in the bathroom along with outburst.

“I don’t know what to do Charlie.” 

He knows she hates not knowing what to do and if he’s honest, he can’t help things because he doesn’t know how best to deal with the situation either. She rubs her forehead, a headache coming on through the stress and too much thinking. There’s a silence between them before Charlie kisses her cheek; “you look exhausted, you should go and sleep.”

Duffy laughs slightly, “thanks for saying I look like rubbish.”

“I said you looked exhausted, I didn’t say you weren’t beautiful.”

Duffy smiles, her cheeks turning a little shade of pink. “Charlie?”

“Hm?”

She asks shyly, “will you hold me until I fall asleep?”

“If I must,” he teases but nods and tells her he’ll be up in five. She heads upstairs to the bedroom, getting undressed and into bed. Her back has bruised. Then again she didn’t expect anything less, her skin was like a peach, it was forever bruising easily. Not good in their kind of job. She stares at the ceiling wondering if she’ll even get a hint of sleep without either worrying about Alicia, attempting to add 2 and 2 together and arrive at 4 or relieving her own trauma through a nightmare. Charlie, true to his word, five minutes later gets into bed beside her. Duffy smiles as she rolls onto her side, kisses him tenderly and rests her head and her hand on his chest. The familiar comfort of her husband settles her over anxious mind and within minutes, she was asleep. 

Alicia’s been at home for three hours. She went home after her breakdown in the toilets at work, ashamed to even face Duffy. She probably thought she was a right silly cow. She’s not left the living room since she’s arrived home. She’s sat in the corner of the room, her back against the wall, knees under her chin again. Her eyes are fixated on the door. That way she knows whose entering the room and who isn’t. Not that she was expecting anyone but you could never be to sure. She closed her eyes.

 _She was sat at the bar, a vodka and lemonade in her hand. She’d had a terrible day at work and while she used to be able to blog to release the tension, now she just had to drink it away. She orders a tequila shot, necks it back in one and sips her drink. She catches the eye of a guy from across the bar. Tall, brown haired, fit looking. She smiled and that’s all it took for him to come over. Another drink….._

She swallows hard as she stands up to run to the bathroom. Once again she empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet, only there’s nothing in her stomach so it’s nothing but bile. Which makes it worse and causes her stomach to hurt.

All this was her own fault for been so naïve. If only she considered the consequences of her actions, Alicia wouldn’t be in the situation she was currently in. It was another reason she couldn’t tell anyone. The shame. The shame. The shame for being so naïve, of being a dirty whore whose intentions were to have a one night stand that night. She closes her eyes as she retches again. Fuck, she just wants all this to go away.


	3. Chapter 3

48 hours. 2 days. Alicia’s back at work although she wishes she was anywhere but in the ED right now. Duffy’s spent most of the shift watching Alicia closely. She looks pale and tired, probably hasn’t slept well, if at all, the last couple of nights. Duffy’s barely slept either, still worrying, still wondering if there’s something she can do to help. Alicia faints that day in Resus although she claims she’s fine, she just forgot to have breakfast. Duffy doesn’t believe her, more like she’s skipped the last couple of meals judging by the look of things. Alicia’s sat on the edge of the bed, just wanting to have the all clear so she can go back to work. Work means distraction. Distraction means she doesn’t have to think about what happened that night in her bed. Duffy smiles slightly as she approaches her.

“Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell us- tell me?”

Alicia shakes her head. Talking means allowing someone else in on the secret. Talking means acknowledging it out loud. Talking makes it real. She begins to fiddle. A nervous habit to fiddle with the thread of things although Duffy hasn’t noticed she does it until now.

“I know something happened to you Alicia. I don’t know what but I know something did. Whatever happened. It wasn’t your fault.”

Alicia surprisingly doesn’t protest against Duffy’s spoken words and instead harshly and quickly wipes away the tear down her cheek, hoping Duffy hadn’t noticed. (She had but she simply chose not to comment)

“Can I tell you something?”

She isn’t sure if what she’s going to say is going to help Alicia or make matters worse but she goes ahead anyway. With a deep breath she begins; 

“A long time ago, something happened to me. I tried to help someone and they… they raped me. It took me four years to even begin to acknowledge what happened to me but I’ve spent my life regretting the time I pretended I was ok when I wasn’t. Whatever happened to you, it’s not your fault ok but you have to acknowledge it. If you don’t, it’ll only destroy you more.”

There’s a silence. Duffy hopes her own situation can at least help Alicia, no matter how small. Alicia begins to sob. Again, like she did in the bathroom forty-eight hours ago, only much harder. Duffy steps towards her, offering her a hug to which at first Alicia hesitates to accept before she accepts. She begins to cry into her shoulder.

“I….” she can’t say it. She can’t say she was raped.

Duffy holds her tightly, in silence. Nothing needs to be addressed right now, not until Alicia was ready too. She just continues to sob into her shoulder. Every emotion she’s felt the last forty-eight hours spilling to the surface. The shame, the hurt, the desperation of wanting to tell someone but being unable too. It all spills out into harsh sobs that shake her entire body.

Eventually Alicia stops and pulls back, apologising for leaving the damp spot on Duffy’s shoulder. She shakes her head and says it’s fine whilst handing her a tissue. Alicia’s body’s still shaking slightly from the sobs and she crosses her legs in the middle of the bed. Another silence descends over them as Duffy sits on the edge of the bed facing her.

“You don’t have to talk about anything but I think you should.”

Alicia closes her eyes tightly, “I was in the pub. I’d had an another argument with Ethan, I needed to just forget about everything. I,” She stopped and sighed, “There was a guy and well…”

She trailed off leaving Duffy to fill in the gaps. A one night stand? Duffy’s not here to judge, what people did outside of work was their own business. Alicia fiddles with her hands as she considered talking again.

“I wanted to have sex with him,” she mumbles, embarrassed to be having the following conversation with Duffy. She wouldn’t call them friends, just work colleagues, associates that kind of thing. She didn’t really want to be discussing the following with her. Almost as if Duffy could read her mind, read her thoughts, she says gently in reassurance.

“I’m not here to judge you Alicia.”

Alicia swallows hard. “When I got home the atmosphere changed. I just, I didn’t want too.”

“Did you tell him, you didn’t want too?”

She catches Duffy’s eye and nods, “I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea. He told me to relax, it’ll be okay.” She closes her eyes and exhales heavily, “but I didn’t specifically say no so it’s not rape.”

Gently Duffy touches her arm. “You told him you were uncomfortable. That should’ve been enough for him to stop.” She leaves her hand on her arm.

“He was hard—“

“You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want too.”

Alicia ignores her. She needs to tell someone it’s eating her up inside, keeping it quiet. It’s destroying her.

“It hurt. So much. The pain. The feeling of being vulnerable. Hating myself for not fighting back. It hurt..” she whispered the last two words and Duffy closed her eyes for a second and swallowed the lump in her throat. The poor girl, she thought as she remained silent allowing Alicia to talk at her own pace. Once again there’s a comfortable silence before David pops his head around the curtain,

“Sorry to interrupt but you’re needed in Resus.”

Duffy nods and turns her attention back to Alicia, “I’ll be back.”

Alicia nods and tells her to go. As she watches Duffy leave the cubicle, she’s relieved to be given the all clear herself to go back to work. She needed her distraction more than ever now she’d began to open up. She needed to be reminded that she was still her, still Alicia the great doctor, the one who was always so happy! Not a rape victim. 


	4. Chapter 4

Alicia’s relieved that her and Duffy are so busy that their paths don’t cross in anything other than a work related vicinity. It meant she didn’t have to talk. Instead she could just keep pretending she was okay. (Which she was. She’s absolutely fine!) Catching a fifteen minute break when the rush dies, Alicia headed outside to sit on the floor, to the left of the department entrance. In her lap is a packet of menthol cigarettes and she’s staring at the packet, a pink luminous lighter in her hand. God she hadn’t smoked since med school when she set fire to the house she was renting after falling asleep after one too many. She opened the packet and took out a cigarette.

“I didn’t know you smoked?”

She looked up at the voice and smiled slightly. Duffy handed her a cup of coffee from the coffee cart, a large one and then proceeded to sit down beside her. “We never did finish our talk, did we?”

Alicia allowed her shoulders to fall back in a small shrug as she placed the cigarette back in the packet.

“Don’t mind me, smoke if you want too.” Duffy said quietly as she sipped the coffee. She watched the hustle and bustle of outside before she glanced at Alicia. Once again Alicia shrugged, she wasn’t sure she wanted to smoke right now. It had been something she’d been using to cope with all this though. Sitting in the back garden at all hours, chain smoking. It took her back to her student days, the tacky roll ups and cheap wine.

“Did you go to the police?”

“No.”

“Did you go somewhere to be examined?” Alicia didn’t answer the question and Duffy already knew the answer. She sighed sadly as she glanced back at Alicia.

“You should be examined. Just to make sure you’re okay. Physically. Blood tests to make sure you’ve not caught—-“

“I know the routine.” She stated firmly and once again Duffy sighed. Alicia sighed herself and then whispered; “sorry. I know you’re only trying to help.”

Duffy smiled sadly and nodded. That was true. All she wanted to do was help. To see if there was anything, no matter how small, she could do to help Alicia feel a little less alone in all of this.

Alicia glanced towards Duffy for a minute before asking; “what did you do?”

“I pretended nothing happened.”

She nodded, “and did it work?”

Duffy shook her head and sipped her coffee, “no because deep down, I knew it had but I couldn’t tell someone. So I pretended I was okay when I wasn’t.”

Alicia was silent for a minute before she stood up, “can we…. can we talk more after work? At—-at mine?” She asked nervous of Duffy’s answer. Duffy nodded with a small smile, “of course we can.”

“Thank you.”

Home. It was just a place. A building but a place she should always feel safe. Alicia no longer felt safe in a place she’d called home all these years. It was the place of her nightmares.

She had been unable to sleep in the bed since it happened. Despite burning the sheets one evening, cleaning the room and rearranging the furniture, she still can’t face a _whole_ night in there. So instead she’d been sleeping on the sofa, not that its comfortable.

As for sleep, she usually managed to grab an hour or two before the nightmares and flashbacks started again. Alicia was attempting to clean, attempting to make the place appear more tidy before Duffy came round. The ring of the doorbell broke through her thoughts and she took one last look around the living room. _It’ll have to do,_ she thought to herself as she answered the door.

She opened the door and smiled slightly, “Hi.”

Hi.” Duffy answered back with a small smile. Alicia’s weight loss was slightly more noticeable in her own clothes and Duffy sighed sadly.

“I brought cookies.”

Alicia smiled as she stepped aside to allow Duffy into the house. Closing the door, she asked, “Would you like a cup of tea or a coffee? Or something stronger?”

“What’s your collection of something stronger?”

Alicia headed into the kitchen and crouched down by the cupboard she kept the alcohol in and began to empty it, placing the bottles on the counter, “Vodka, whiskey, tequila, there’s wine in the fridge. Oh and brandy.”

“I’ll have a vodka please.”

There was a comfortable silence between them in the living room. Duffy didn’t want to push Alicia to talk, knowing she would talk when she was ready too. She sipped the glass of vodka before Alicia asked gently,

“How old were you?”

“When I was attacked? Twenty-five.”

Alicia nodded and didn’t speak for a minute. Instead she poured and necked a shot of tequila, “did you go to the police?”

Duffy shook her head, “no.”

“Do you regret not going to the police?”

Duffy swallowed and took a large mouthful of vodka. Talking about her rape experience wasn’t easy. She’d barely talked to anyone about it in thirty-one years, she never really told Charlie and he was her husband.

“Truthfully?” There was a silence for a second or so, “some days I regret it, other days I know I made the right choice for me.”

“Tell me what happened to you.”

Their eyes met from over the table and Duffy swallowed hard. She was heading into dangerous territory. If she opened up, she knew she’d have a nightmare or worse, a flashback. On the other hand, if it could help Alicia no matter how small, she’d do it. She finished her vodka in seconds and poured herself another glass.

“I was working a night shift…” 


	5. Chapter 5

_It was just a complete disaster. She’d woken up late which was never like her so she could only assume she was shattered still from the previous shift. Then because she’d woken up late, she’d missed the bus and decided to walk. She’d walked to work many times before, she knew the route off by heart. She never thought anything would happen you know? The walk is quiet, almost peaceful. She gets to Easter Steps and that’s when she finds him - just sat there. Her intuition to help kicks in and she steps towards him. She calls out to him and goes to check his pulse. As she leans over to check, he grabs her wrist and that’s when she knew she was in trouble. Big trouble…_

“Like I told you, I thought he was hurt and he wasn’t.”

Alicia glanced at her and rose an eyebrow slightly when Duffy finished her second glass of vodka and took a shot of tequila. She’s surprised that Duffy can even do shots. Noticing the look Alicia gave her, she smiled slightly; “I was young once you know.”

Alicia nodded but didn’t verbally say anything. What was there to say? After what felt like an eternity, Alicia asked gently;

“What happened afterwards?”

She closed her eyes tightly.

_She’s never wanted to scream or move so much but her body wasn’t playing. Was this what they meant when they said your body froze during times of trauma? Her mind was screaming to stop, to move but she still lay there, trying to do anything she could to distract herself. She holds her breath as he moves and she closes her eyes tightly at the sound of his zipper going up. The footsteps go and she slowly sits up. She feels sick, sick and achy and just begins to sob._

“A couple found me and called an ambulance.”

_She doesn’t want to go to the hospital. She wants to go home. To shower, to scrub her skin until she knows he’s gone. She hasn’t even looked at herself in the mirror yet but she can tell she looks a state, she feels it. Home. Her sanctuary, her safe place. She just wanted to be alone._

Alicia feels guilty when she sees how much talking about it, effects Duffy.

“You don’t have to talk about it, if its you know…” Alicia said gently but trailed off at the end of the sentence.

Duffy took another tequila shot, knowing she’ll regret doing so in the morning. She shrugged slightly.

“It’s not something I’ve ever talked about, not really. Even Charlie doesn’t know things.”

Alicia nodded. There was another pause between them before she picked up her glass and took a sip,

“What was it like to date again, after what happened?”

Duffy smiled sadly as she remembered her first date with Peter. How nervous she’d been, how she’d gone through every safe position in her head. She was instantly at ease in his presence although it was harder to relax when things became more physical later on in their relationship.

“At first it was hard.” She admitted, “it took me a while to trust fully, to have a sexual relationship again but I got there. You will too.”

“Did any of your boyfriends know?”

“Three did yes. Peter, Andrew and Charlie but nobody else. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to share. It happened to me, I didn’t allow it to define me.”

“What happened to the guy who raped you?”

Duffy took a third shot of tequila before she answered, “he died. Funnily enough, it didn’t bother me. I finally felt… _free_. I wasn’t constantly wondering if he knew who I was and come back for more. Would you recognise him again, the person who did this to you?”

A silence descended onto the room before Alicia coughed slightly to clear her throat, “yeah. I think so.”

Pouring another shot of tequila, Duffy slid the shot glass to Alicia.

“There’s two ways you can deal with this.” Duffy said quietly, “you either allow the bastard to ruin your life or you fight back and make yourself twenty times stronger than you were before.”

“But how?”

Duffy paused, “By acknowledging what happened to you. You don’t have to tell people what happened Alicia but you _have_ to tell yourself. Only then can you move on.”

Alicia reached out and took the shot glass, downing the contents in one. As she placed the glass onto the table, she asked.

“Will you help me?”

Duffy met Alicia’s eye over the table. She couldn’t help but see herself, the younger vulnerable girl that she was back then. She swallowed hard and answered;

“I’ll help you as much as I can Alicia, I promise.”

Duffy doesn’t remember what time she got home, her thoughts clouded from the amount of tequila and vodka she’d drank. She dropped her keys on the floor as she entered the house. Charlie had stayed awake, waiting for her return. He couldn’t settle when she wasn’t there. Hearing the keys fall to the floor, he stood in the doorway of the lounge.

“Darling?”

Closing the door behind her, she turned around and stepped towards him.

“Will you do something for me? Just give me a hug.” He sighed sadly and held his arms out to her. Stepping into the familiar comfort of her husband, Duffy broke down in sobs, clutching Charlie’s top tightly in her hand.

She almost fell asleep standing up. A mixture of exhaustion, the tears, tequila and vodka. He picked her up and carried her upstairs to bed. She usually protested but she didn’t have the energy tonight. Lying her down on the bed, he got in beside her and moved closer to her.

Duffy moved to rest her head and palm of her hand on Charlie’s chest.

“I lied Charlie.” She whispered which caused Charlie to frown. He was still running his fingertips up he arm.

“What did you lie about, sweetheart?”

“I told Alicia what happened to me.” She murmered sleepily, her eyes closed. “about being attacked.”

“Ssh, it’s okay.”

“Lied Charlie… for so long.” She was tracing patterns over his chest with her finger in her sleepy state, “to myself.”

“Ssh,” he kissed the top of her head, “go to sleep darling, we’ll talk in the morning.”

“Hmm…” she fell silent for a couple of minutes, “Charlie?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.” She mumbled and he smiled sadly, looking down at his wife.

“Love you too.” 


	6. Chapter 6

A soft groan escaped Duffy’s lips as she rolled over, her arm still draped over Charlie. There was a small gap in the curtains that filtered sunlight into the room and Duffy slowly opened her eyes, quickly closing them again in discomfort. She slowly sat up, the room beginning to spin and the nauseous feeling travelling from her stomach. She moved and dashed to the bathroom where she proceeded to empty the contents of her stomach. Tequila and vodka, she knew she was going to regret those choices. The memories of last night filtered through her mind. Talking about her rape, remembering what it was like to feel his skin against hers. She closed her eyes tightly and threw up again.

“Duffy?”

Charlie, having felt the sudden movement from Duffy leaving the space beside him, followed her into the bathroom. Calling her name when he reached the door, he approached her and crouched down. Gently holding her hair back, he smiled sadly as he asked; “too much alcohol?”

“Hmm..” she threw up for a third time and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. There was nothing exchanged between the two. Charlie’s left hand rubbed her back, his right hand holding her hair back. When she’d come home last night, slightly tipsy, he knew she’d be sick in the morning. Duffy never could handle her alcohol. It’s what made her more fun.

Charlie released her hair when she began to move. She stood up, flushed the chain and rinsed out her mouth. There was a comfortable silence before Charlie asked,

“What did you talk about last night, to Alicia?”

She glanced at him via the mirror on the bathroom cabinet, a small frown on her features. “She just needed a little advice, why?”

Charlie’s shoulders fell back into a shrug. He didn’t answer for a couple of minutes. Her drunken ramblings had indicated she’d probably opened up about something, something that was going to hurt her.

“You said you lied. To yourself for so long.”

Duffy shook her head and with a small laugh answered, “you know me, I can’t handle my alcohol.” As she left the bathroom, Charlie sighed. It was a definite indication that the conversation was over. She only ever ‘ran away’ for two reasons. One when she was furious and the other when she had something to hide and didn’t want to talk.

Duffy began to get dressed, although every movement she made, made her feel sick. Her head was swimming with last nights alcohol. (what she’d had could’ve knocked out a small elephant given half a chance) She wasn’t sure why she didn’t want to talk to Charlie. He was her husband, her best friend. He knew her inside and out but there was a small doubt, a small bit of fear that if she spoke about what she’d discussed with Alicia, he’d see her in a different light all together. And she couldn’t risk that.

Giving Charlie a kiss goodbye, she said she’d be home shortly. Leaving with her keys in her coat pocket, she made the familiar journey to the park. In the Park was a small section of grass, covered in roses that she often found herself sat at. It was quiet, hidden, out of the way of everything and everyone. It gave her time to think.

She closed her eyes.

_She wrapped herself in the blanket, pulling it tighter over her shoulders. The rain had soaked her hair, her clothes, her skin. She was cold. She felt cold. Like ice. But she could still feel the pain, the pain of him forcing himself into her. She could feel the blood running down her thighs. Despite the coldness, despite the apparent numbness, she still felt him all over her body as he violated her._

Reopening her eyes, she stared at one of the red roses that was beginning to blossom. There was a butterfly on the petal and she smiled slightly. The park was silent, nobody around. She was enjoying the silence when a voice interrupted her.

“I thought I might find you here.”

Charlie sat down beside her, moving closer to her. Duffy gently rested her head against his shoulder, took his hand in hers and didn’t say anything.

“How did you know I was here?”

The park had always been Duffy’s place to sit and reflect for as long as he could remember. He’d come himself sometimes, years ago whenever he was missing her. Sitting amongst the flowers, he always felt closer to her.

“Lucky guess.”

His thumb began to stroke the back of her hand. They had a wonderful ability to sit in silence until one of them was ready to talk. His thumb continued to stroke the back of her hand before Duffy broke the ongoing silence.

“I told Alicia I was raped.”

He sighed and pulled her body closer to him. “How are you feeling?”

She didn’t know what she was feeling. Her rape had been over thirty years ago but today, today felt like it was recent. That it had been recently and she was picking up the pieces of her shattered life. She shrugged slightly, that question wasn’t an easy question to answer. What was she feeling?

“Tired.” She admitted. Despite all the alcohol she had drank, she didn’t sleep as peacefully as she could have. She’d woken at least three times, taking a while to settle each time. Her mind clouded by flashbacks of him.

“What made you talk about it?”

Empathy? The need to show Alicia that it was ok. That she could survive this, no matter how much it hurt. That she was going to become stronger. That nobody other than herself ever needed to know the truth.

“She needed to know..” Duffy paused briefly, “she needed to know what happens when you lie to yourself.”

Charlie swallowed. He knew Duffy took a while to admit what had happened, she was in denial for so long. Years in fact. She never told anyone what exactly happened that night but everyone guessed she’d been raped. It was clear from her behaviour and injures, not to mention where she was found.

“You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want too.”

She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to talk about it. But wasn’t that the easy way out? To hide how she was really feeling? She reopened her eyes and whispered, “I still feel him Charlie. Not all the time but some days.”

Charlie didn’t say anything, he just held her tighter as she began to sob. The alcohol, the lack of sleep and the memories she shared last night all spilling over the surface.


	7. Chapter 7

Alicia was getting used to telling everyone she was fine. Despite the nightmares and the flashbacks, she was fine. She still couldn’t bring herself to sleep in the same room as her attack, despite rearranging the furniture and scrubbing it clean. She’d tried to sleep in her own bed but she always woke up suddenly, breathing heavily when she saw his face. The sofa was becoming her bed, the only place she was able to sleep without being haunted.

It had been completely unexpected to find a comfort and a friend in Duffy. To have support from someone who knew exactly what it was like to experience the monster in her head.

She found herself hiding in the female toilets, a patient had become too over familiar, grabbing her backside for a laugh. Alicia found it anything but funny. Sitting on the floor in the female bathroom, she struggled to control her breathing and the obvious shakes of her body. She closed her eyes.

_She was drunk. Too many lemonades and vodka on an empty stomach. He grabbed her waist and pulled her towards him, planting a kiss against her lips. Then his hands travelled further down her body and stopped at her bottom._

At that very second, she retched into the toilet and brought up the contents of her stomach.

Home, her safe place. That and Charlie. Duffy was sat on the sofa, her legs curled up beside her. She was half under the blanket that they kept behind the sofa, lost in thought as she played with a thread of the blanket. He smiled sadly as he lent against the doorframe, watching his wife. Since her earlier admission, she’d been quiet and withdrawn and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t like quiet Duffy, it meant she had too much on her mind. Despite playing with the thread, apparently in her own world; she could feel Charlie watching her. She looked up, her eyes meeting his briefly and she smiled sadly.

She gently patted the empty space beside her as Charlie stepped closer to her and sat beside her. She found herself moving closer to Charlie, one hand still playing with the thread. Once again nothing spoken between the two. Duffy was about to break the silence when there was a loud vibration on the coffee table. Meeting Charlie’s eye again, she frowned as she looked over at her phone. Nobody ever really rang her.

Leaning over, she held the phone in her hand before reading the caller id.

Alicia.

She’d given Alicia her number the previous night, never expecting that she might actually call. Duffy swallowed as she swiped to accept the call, held her phone to her ear and moved to stand up.

“Alicia?”

There’s no verbal response for a moment, Alicia’s breathing is erratic and she’s sobbing hard. Duffy frowned as she immediately picked up the keys off the coffee table in the living room.

“Alicia?”

 _“I…can’t breathe._ ” She whispered. A panic attack brought on by the memories of her rape. Her flashbacks. She dug her nails into her thigh, her stomach feeling funny and her chest hurting.

“ _Yes you can, nice, slow, deep breaths for me_.” She glanced at Charlie and mouthed that it’s something to do with Alicia and she’d be back soon. Charlie nodded part of him wanting to get involved but knowing she probably didn’t need him interfering right now.

“Alicia, where are you?”

“ _Bathroom… work._ ”

She stayed on the phone to her the entire time, trying to get the youngster to breath. The last thing she wanted or needed was Alicia passing out because she’d been unable to breathe. Reaching the hospital, Duffy found Alicia in the bathroom, in the corner of the room. Alicia’s nails bleeding where she’d dug them into her thigh.

“Alicia?” She called gently as she crouched down in front of her.

Alicia didn’t look up. Her breathing was still too fast, her chest raising and falling rapidly. She felt Duffy’s hands on her cheeks and the gentle encouragement to look at her. Slowly Alicia averted her gaze from the spot on the floor and met Duffy’s gaze.

“Breathe with me, in and out.”

Duffy began to breathe in and out, hoping she could encourage Alicia to copy her. Eventually, Alicia’s breathing began to return to normal, her chest no longer raising and falling quite as fast. However, her body still continued to shake from the aftermath of the panic attack.

“I can’t do this.”

Duffy closed her eyes briefly and replied, “yes you can.”

She shook her head but didn’t verbally reply. This was too hard. She couldn’t do this anymore. He was always going to be here wasn’t he? Inside her head. She was always going to feel him, see him. She was never going to be herself, she was never going to heal.

She felt the familiar feeling of sickness rise from her stomach and gently pushed Duffy away, dashing into the toilet and throwing up.

“I just want it to stop hurting.”

Alicia whispered after she threw up twice. Duffy closed her eyes. How could she tell her, that it never stopped hurting? That it would never stop being painful and you would simply learn to live with the pain? 


	8. Chapter 8

After helping Alicia regain control of her breathing, she took her home. The younger woman was in no fit state to be working despite her protests she was fine. Like Charlie could with her, Duffy could read between the lines when it came to Alicia. Protesting she was fine, was just Alicia’s way of refusing to discuss how or what she really felt.

Duffy had the exact same coping mechanism.

Alicia curled up on the sofa, fiddling with the end of her jumper. Duffy was in the kitchen making her a mug of tea. She watched her as she brought the mug into the living room, wondering what was on her mind. What she was thinking and feeling. Placing the mug on the coffee table, Alicia smiled sadly.

“I’m sorry for ringing you.”

Duffy shook her head gently and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “its fine.” She meant that. She told Alicia she could ring whenever she needed too.

Alicia’s gaze met with Duffy’s for a brief couple of seconds before Alicia reached out to take the mug from the table. She curled herself back into a ball and sipped the tea, a comfortable silence between the two of them.

“You can go home you know, I’ll be fine.”

Duffy nodded. Part of her wanted to go home but the other half wanted to stay. She didn’t think it was a very sensible idea for Alicia to be left alone, especially not in the house the attack happened in. Not after a panic attack anyway. 

“Have you thought about getting a roommate?” 

Alicia looked up, one finger trailing around the rim of her mug as she clutched it in one hand. She shook her head. Getting a roommate wasn’t anything she’d ever thought about. Maybe it would help? 

“Do you think it would help?”

“I don’t know but I definitely think its worth giving it a go.”

Alicia nodded, understanding what she meant. Perhaps being alone in this house was the issue? Perhaps getting a roommate meant she had something to distract her from her memories. She took another sip from the mug, Duffy sat on the other settee, glancing at her every now and again. 

“Alicia?”

“Hmm?” She looked up again, her gaze meeting Duffy’s.

There was a pause, “have you thought about talking to anyone? A counsellor, someone from the referral clinic?”

Alicia swallowed hard before answering “I don’t need to talk to anyone, I’m fine.”

Duffy rose an eyebrow at Alicia’s response, “It doesn’t work. No matter how many times you tell yourself those words. It doesn’t make everything better.”

Alicia swallowed again as she glanced down at the mug. Perhaps Duffy did have a point there. She felt like she told herself she was fine, a thousand times a day and it still didn’t make the flashbacks any less real.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?” She made herself comfortable before Alicia replied, “Make everything sound so _easy_?”

The corners of Duffy’s mouth curled into a small smile. “Years of practice, I guess.”

Alicia nodded, another comfortable silence filling the living room. She finished the tea and placed the now empty mug on the table.

“You’ve known Charlie a long time, haven’t you?”

Slightly surprised at the question about her husband, Duffy smiled softly and nodded. Over thirty years of friendship and love. 

“Over thirty years, yes. Why?”

Alicia shrugged. She wasn’t even sure why she’d asked the question, she just needed a different conversation topic to discuss. Something that didn’t involve her talking to some counsellor about her attack. 

“You said you’d never really talked to him about what happened, why?”

She realised she was probably asking too many personal questions but she was curious. Why, if Charlie was her best friend, did Duffy not really talk about what happened to her with him? Duffy sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear again. There were many reasons why she didn’t talk to him about what happened. 

“I didn’t want Charlie to see me in a different light.”

“You didn’t want him to see you as damaged?”

Duffy closed her eyes. After her attack, she’d battled with her confidence for years. To her, she was three things. Dirty, damaged and broken. Every time she saw her own reflection, those were the words that sprung to mind. She didn’t want Charlie to see her as those things too.

“I didn’t want Charlie to see me, the way I saw myself.”

Alicia nodded and for a couple of minutes, there was nothing spoken again. Eventually, Duffy stood up and asked; “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” 

Alicia smiled slightly. Would she be okay? She had to be, didn’t she? 

“I’ll be fine.”

It was that word again. That adjective. 

“Are you sure?”

Alicia nodded. She stood up from the settee and after hesitating for a minute or so, wrapped her arms around the older woman. She kissed her cheek and whispered, “Thank you Duffy, for everything.”

Duffy was surprised by Alicia’s actions but none the less, hugged her back. She shook her head, it really wasn’t a problem or any trouble to ensure Alicia was okay. But why did she feel like there was a hidden meaning behind Alicia’s words.

As she left to go home, Duffy made a mental note to check in on Alicia later.


	9. Chapter 9

It had been just under two hours since Duffy left home to go and see Alicia. She unlocked the front door and stepped into the house. Closing the door behind her, she lent back against the door, her eyes closed and exhaled deeply. Opening her eyes, she removed her jacket and placed the keys on the side.

“Honey, I’m back.”

Charlie was sat at the kitchen table, where he’d been sat for the last hour or so. There was a mug of coffee in his hands. He looked up as she entered the kitchen, a small smile appearing on his face.

“How’s Alicia?”

She bent down to kiss his cheek before she moved to turn on the kettle. The question runs through her mind for a few seconds before she replies, “she’s ok. I took her home.”

Charlie nodded, looking down at the mug in his hands. Five minutes later, when she’d made herself a brew, she joined him at the table.

Every now and again Charlie glanced up to watch his wife. The light of the kitchen making her appear as beautiful as ever. Noticing Charlie staring at her, Duffy’s cheeks began to turn a bright pink colour.

“What?”

Charlie smirked. He loved nothing more than making her blush. He shook his head, “nothing sweetheart.”

“Then why are you staring at me?”

“Because you’re beautiful.” She dipped her head and her gaze to the table as her cheeks got redder. Despite him calling her beautiful every single day, she still blushed and got embarrassed whenever she heard the words.

“Duffy?”

She looked up to meet his gaze.

“You know I love you, don’t you?”

He took her hand in his and traced his thumb over the back of her hand. She nodded. She never once doubted how he felt for her. She saw it in his eyes.

“I love you too.”

She closed her eyes as Charlie lent over the table and planted a tender kiss to her lips. As she reopened her eyes, her gaze locked with Charlie’s.

“Charlie?”

“Yes?”

There was a brief pause, a silence. “Can we…. talk?”

He kissed her gently on the lips once more before replying, “of course. You don’t have to ask you know.”

Five minutes later, they’re sat in the garden. Despite there being a perfectly comfortable bench at the bottom of the garden, Duffy’s chosen to sit on the grass. (Which she soon finds out is slightly damp) She’s sat cross legged on the grass, playing with the daisies in the grass, not sure she knows herself what she’s going to talk about.

“I’m scared.” She admitted quietly as she glanced over at Charlie. She noticed the frown appear on his face as he stepped towards her and crouched down in front of her.

“What of?”

A pause. She looked down at the grass, “I’m scared if I talk to you about how I feel, you’ll see me as damaged and broken.”

He sighed sadly and ever so gently, placed his fingers under her chin. Lifting her head up to meet her gaze, he answered back; “that will never happen.”

“But….” he reached out and placed a finger against her lips to silence her.

“But nothing. You are one of the strongest, most courageous people I’ve ever met. And I love you. Nothing will ever change my opinion of you.”

As she met his gaze once more, she was aware of the honesty and love in his eyes. Her own eyes began to fill with tears as she concluded that Charlie meant every word he’d just said. She lent forward to kiss him, her lips connecting with his.

“I love you so much Charlie Fairhead.” She rested her forehead against his.

Alicia sat on the edge of the bath as she watched the bathtub fill with water. Yet again today was another day she was unable to function, the lack of sleep and the panic attack had just cemented the idea that she was never going to move on.

She sighed as she turned off the taps, the bath about three quarters full. Removing her clothing, she got into the bath, the hot temperature providing a much needed release.

_She couldn’t remember, why couldn’t she remember? Had she consented or hadn’t she? She vaguely remembers saying she felt uncomfortable but that wasn’t a direct no was it? She ran herself the hottest bath she could think off and sat in it. Despite feeling that she was burning her skin off, she knew it was her only option of removing his scent from her body. She reached for the sponge and began to scrub. She needed to be clean._

Submerging herself under the water, Alicia wondered if suicide was the way forward. It meant that she was free from her mind. No more nightmares or flashbacks. No more panic attacks. No more feeling afraid and looking over her shoulder. If she killed herself, it stopped. All of it would finish.

She suddenly sat up. Choking and coughing on the water as she began to breathe, her body trying to get oxygen she’d starved herself off. She choked for ages on the water before she slowly lay down, her head resting against the back of the bath. She wasn’t going to die today. She wasn’t going to die tomorrow.

She needed to survive this. But why was it so difficult?


	10. Chapter 10

Despite him telling her, he would never see her as anything other than the beautiful, courageous soul she was; Duffy still didn’t speak much about the whole situation. There was still that element of fear inside, that he would see her the way she saw herself.

He’s ran her a bath and she sat on the edge of the bathtub, just staring at the water. It was then that she remembered the first bath she ever took after she was raped.

_Ewart had taken her to his because it was safer than leaving her alone. She sat on the bathroom floor, the bath filled with water. Boiling water. As she began to remove her clothes, she traced the bruises with her fingertips on the top of her thighs. She could make out the finger marks through the bruise where he’d dug his nails into her. She closed her eyes as she got into the bath. The heat of the water burning her skin, burning her in the places she was already sore. She needed to make sure he was gone. That she was clean._

Duffy didn’t even realise but as she remembered, she was tracing her fingertips over her thighs, in the exact same places her bruises were. Realising what she was doing, she smiled slightly. Those bruises had taken a while to heal, a good couple of weeks. They served a painful reminder of the trauma she’d been through. She’d hoped that when they’d began to fade, she’d be able to move on but it wasn’t that easy.

_Seven days since she was held down and raped on Easter Steps. 10080 minutes. A week of nightmares, flashbacks, the fear of him coming back for more. She’d phoned in sick which was unlike her but today she really couldn’t face it. She couldn’t face anything anymore. She was tired. Scrap tired, she was exhausted. Her mind constantly replaying her ordeal. She unscrewed the top of the vodka and the sleeping tablets she’d been prescribed and knew it was her only way out of the nightmare._

“Duffy?”

“Hmm?” She slowly opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling. She was in the bath so must’ve fallen asleep. She sat up, the water having gone cold.

“Are you okay? You’ve been in there hours.”

Duffy laughed gently as she got out of the bath, “I fell asleep.” Charlie entered the bathroom and handed her the towel of the radiator. As she took the towel from his grasp, she wrapped it around her slender frame. Charlie stepped towards her,

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine darling.” She met his eye and smiled. He stepped towards her and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her towards him. He kissed her playfully, nudging the towel that began to come undone slightly. She closed her eyes as she felt his lips against her shoulder.

He backed her into the bedroom, his teeth gently scraping against the skin on her shoulder. She bit her lower lip as she lay down on the bed and looked up at him. Her eyes shining with lust. As his lips met her, he deepened the kiss and she closed her eyes, trying to settle the sinking feeling inside.

Her breathing quickened but not in arousal but fear. She began to breath heavily and Charlie frowned. He sat up, in between her legs and placed his hand on her cheek.

“Duffy?”

_“Don’t hurt me, please.” She begged. He tightened his grip around her chin, forcing his lips to hers and shoving his tongue into her mouth. She tried to fight, to move; God she even thought about biting his tongue but she was caught between that fight and flight response. She remembers feeling his teeth sink into her left shoulder and she cried out in pain, only to be told to shut the fuck up._

“Duffy?”

She heard the concern in his voice and felt like shit. His thumb began to caress her cheek. She closed her eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“I’m sorry Charlie, I can’t.”

She sat up abruptly, trying to push him away from her. Trying to get away. She couldn’t talk to him, she couldn’t have him see her as damaged. She met his eye, her eyes full of fear and shook her head.

“Can’t talk to you.” She began to have a panic attack. Her breathing become more and more erratic.

“Sweetheart, listen to me?” There was a pause, “listen to my voice and breath nice and slowly.”

Duffy closed her eyes tightly as she began to breathe. Charlie’s voice encouraging her gently. As she began to breathe normally, she whispered;

“I want this to stop Charlie. Make it go away Charlie please.” She darted off the bed, ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind her.


	11. Chapter 11

She’s got her back against the door, tapping her fingers against her thigh as she counts to 20 and then backwards to 1.

“Duffy?”

There’s a small sigh that escapes his lips when he gets no response. He slowly sits down, his back against the door- mirroring her exact position on the other side.

“Darling?”

There’s still no reply. Duffy nervously chews the corner of her lip, her fingertips still playing on her thighs. Charlie rubbed his forehead and sighed once again, feeling helpless and useless at not being able to communicate with Duffy. He knew it was a possibility she’d struggle after this whole situation with Alicia but he didn’t know it would be this difficult.

She locks herself away for an hour. An hour she spends in the bathroom, completely silent refusing to acknowledge her thoughts or feelings on the situation. Eventually she emerges from the room and edges into the bedroom, afraid of Charlie’s reaction.

He’d decided to give her some space, choosing to spend most of his time sitting on the bed waiting for her to return. The minutes ticked by and he continued to wait, Charlie knew when she was ready too; Duffy would talk. She stepped into the bedroom, Charlie was laid on the top of the duvet. She ended up lying beside him, her head on his chest.

“I’m sorry.”

It was a whisper, a tiny whisper that Charlie nearly struggled to hear. He shook his head, his arm around her holding her to his body and kissed the top of her head.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for.”

“I overreacted.”

She began to run her index finger over his chest creating patterns. Charlie didn’t think she’d overreacted, it was a perfectly normal response to the situation. Charlie didn’t say anything for a moment or two.

“Talk to me honey, please.”

She exhaled. She bit her lower lip, once again continuing to trace patterns on his chest.

“Alicia’s situation is just making me remember everything I thought I’d buried.” She answered. Truthfully admitted for the first time how she was feeling. “I thought I’d buried it Charlie. I thought it was gone.”

“What was gone?”

“Him,” she swallowed as a tear rolled down her cheek and landed on his chest. He swallowed as he felt her tears. His fingers running through her hair.

“Memories you thought you’d buried?”

She nodded. Small details about the attack that she’d never shared with anyone, small details about what happened afterwards that she kept hidden.

“I….” she bit her lip hard, “I tried to kill myself.”

Charlie’s eyes widened when he heard her admission and swallowed. Why had she never told him that before?

“What? When?”

She snuggled closer to him, “about a week after the rape. I… couldn’t take anymore. Wanted some sleep.”

“But you didn’t?”

“I had my very own knight in shining armour.” She smiled as she kissed his chest and looked up at him. He’d unknowingly saved her that night.

-x-

_She poured a glass of vodka, filling the glass halfway. She tipped the pills into her hand and hesitated, was this really what she wanted? As she went to pop the pills into her mouth, the doorbell rang. She jumped, the pills scattering about the floor. Fuck, she thought as she crouched down to pick them up. Shoving them into her pocket, she debated about answering but after the second ring of the doorbell, decided to answer. As she opened the door, she smiled sadly, her gaze meeting Charlie’s._

_“Hi,” She said quietly._

“ _Hi.” He produced some flowers, lilies and smiled. She smiled as she accepted them._ _Unknown at the time but Charlie’s visit gave her the courage to keep fighting, to become stronger._


	12. Chapter 12

Charlie stirred slightly when he felt Duffy’s movements beside him. He slowly opened his eyes to hear whimpering.

“No please, please no.”

Charlie sighed knowing she was reliving her trauma. He lent over and switched on the lamp before gently shaking Duffy awake. His hand on her shoulder, gently trying to bring her round and not startle her at the same time.

“Sweetheart, wake up. You’re safe.”

Duffy sat up suddenly in the bed she shared with Charlie and moved out of the bed. Dashing to the en-suite, she threw up the contents of her stomach.

Charlie sighed and rubbed his forehead, feeling lost and confused. He wasn’t sure what the best way to help her was. On second thoughts he wasn’t sure he could help her. It was her trauma and she had to find a way of dealing with the reopening of old wounds.

He was about to move out of bed, to follow her to the bathroom when he looked up. Duffy was lent against the doorframe, a sad smile on her face. It was only then that Charlie noticed how tired Duffy looked. How sad and lost she seemed.

He held his arms out to her and she reluctantly crawled back into bed and into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. He shook his head, she had nothing to be sorry for. Stroking his fingertips up and down her arm, Charlie planted a kiss against the top of her head.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for. You’re not on your own in this, I’m here with you.”

She closed her eyes. She was alone though, wasn’t she? It was her trauma, her nightmares, her memories. Not his, hers. And somehow, somewhere she had to find the courage to fix herself.

Because if she didn’t fix herself, who would? But right now she was tired, she was exhausted from the memories that insisted on torturing her daily.

—- xx —-

One week, seven days.

It felt much longer than seven days. Seven long days since she reopened old wounds by discussing her rape ordeal with Alicia. She knew it was a bad idea, she knew at the time that talking would only bring it all flooding back. But she needed to tell Alicia that the only way through this was acceptance and acknowledgment for the trauma that had taken place. Pretending wasn’t an option. Pretending didn’t make everything okay.

She can still feel him, smell him, remember him. He’s still inside her head, making her relive it over and over again. Every minute, every hour, every day. Every time she closes her eyes, she’s back there. On those steps.

Duffy smashes the mug against the wall before sitting on the floor and bursting into tears. She’s relieved she’s alone, she isn’t sure she wants comfort at this moment in time.

Come to think of it, she isn’t too sure what she wants.


	13. Chapter 13

Crying alone provided Duffy with a small, much needed release. Wiping her tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands, she stood up and sighed heavily at the broken mug. She didn’t ever break things, but she needed to do something that would make her cry.

She bent down to retrieve the broken pieces when the doorbell rang. She frowned as she stood back up. She wasn’t expecting anyone. Charlie wasn’t due home yet and he’d taken his key so he wouldn’t ring the doorbell. Peter, Tanya and the baby were busy and she didn’t have many friends. She hesitated for a second, deciding not to answer when the doorbell rang for a second time.

Placing the broken pieces of mug into the dustbin she went to the door. Checking her reflection in the hall mirror, Duffy sighed. Great, it was clearly obvious she’d been crying. Taking the chain off the door, she opened the door slowly.

“Hello?”

Alicia stood at the door, she held up a packet of cookies.

“Charlie told me you weren’t feeling well. I hope you don’t mind me turning up?”

For the first time in a week, a genuine smile appeared on Duffy’s face and she opened the door wider, allowing Alicia into the house.

Alicia noticed just how tired Duffy looked, not to mention she was aware of the redness of her eyes. She didn’t say anything, not sure how to broach the situation. She knew Duffy had a stubborn streak and she didn’t want to find herself on the receiving end of it.

“Tea? Coffee?”

Duffy closed the door behind Alicia and walked into the kitchen. Alicia followed behind, “a tea would be lovely thanks.”

She placed the cookies down on the table. There was a comfortable silence between the two of them as Duffy switched on the kettle.

“I’m really grateful for everything you’re doing Duffy but…” Alicia paused, attempting to gather her thoughts; “if it’s.. you know.”

Duffy slowly turned around and lent against the counter. She met the younger woman’s eye and smiled sadly.

“It’s not that Alicia, it’s just…” she paused for a second or so, “talking to you about what happened to me has made me realise that I never dealt with it. All I did was pack it away into a box and hoped I’d never have to face it, ever again. But I have, haven’t I?”

“I’m so sorry.”

She shook her head, made the two teas and brought them over to the table. Placing them down on the table, she sat opposite Alicia and replied;

“I wanted to help you Alicia, I still do.” Her index finger ran over the rim of her mug, “I just never expected it to be this difficult.” She admitted.

She picked up her mug and took a gulp of tea, a pleasant silence between the two of them. Alicia mirrored her actions,

“I’ve taken your advice,” She said breaking the silence. Duffy looked up, her nails tapping against the table.

“What advice is that?”

“I’ve started talking to someone, a counsellor.” She smiled before she took out a business card from her pocket and placed it on the table. She edged it closer to Duffy but the older woman didn’t take the bait.

“I can’t imagine that was easy to do.”

“No but,” Alicia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “it’s helping. I… I think perhaps you should consider it too.”

Duffy looked down at the card on the table, hesitated for a moment before she reached out and brought the card closer to her.

“I’ll think about it, okay?”

Her gaze met with Alicia’s and Alicia smiled, Duffy returning a reassuring smile before looking back down at the card. It wouldn’t hurt to give it a try, would it?


	14. Chapter 14

She taps her fingernails against her thigh as she sits in the waiting room. She swallows. Her chest feels tight, her hands sweaty, nausea raising up from the pit of her stomach. She swallows again and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to steady her nerves. Talk to herself, reassure herself that this — talking was the only way she was ever going to be free from him.

At that very second, Duffy stands and dashes to the bathroom. She’s sick again. She groans slightly, more in pain than frustration. Her stomach is tender from the repeated throwing up which at the minute, feels like every minute of every day. She sits with her back against the door of the cubicle, knees tucked under her chin.

Sleep, she could do with sleeping. Her nights consist of tossing and turning, flashbacks and memories. Charlie’s none the wiser to just how bad things are although she can’t help but notice the concern and the wondering in his eyes when he looks in her direction.

She rests her forehead on her knees. Four words keep circling around her mind;

 _I_ _can’t do this_

It’s a loud voice, a small part of her going back to being that vulnerable, shy twenty five year old. She knows - deep down she knows, that she has to change the word can’t to can.

_I can do this_

She doesn’t know how much longer she can keep going. She’s not as strong as she used to be. She’ll end up breaking, shattering apart and she won’t have enough strength to fix herself.

_I can do this_

Those four words that seem so simple but are so hard to believe.

_I can do this_

She reassures herself again that she’s doing the right thing and she’s strong enough to do this. She squeezed her eyes shut, takes a deep breath and whispers; “I can do this.”

Five seconds later, she slowly stands up from the floor, puts her hand on the door handle and exits the cubicle. 

Consultation rooms - counselling rooms were always set out the same. From the colour of the walls to the position of the furniture, everything was mirrored, no matter where you went. On the table in front of the two chairs, both opposite the other, is a basket of small blue pebbles that’s already drawn Duffy’s attention.

“What brings you here?”

She allows a silence to descend over the room before she reaches out and takes a pebble from the basket. Duffy would never have described herself as a nervous individual or a nervous fidgeter but the pebbles were providing a sort of distraction. A focus other than making eye contact with the woman sat in front of her.

Duffy placed the pebble into the palm of her hand and slowly looked up. She briefly met the gaze of the counsellor before she replied;

“I….” she swallowed. Her mouth going dry, “I was raped. And…”

She took a deep breath, “and I need help.”


End file.
